He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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