I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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