I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
