Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
