That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
