these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
