just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
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I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize