totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
