i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
