you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
