I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize