Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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