Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
