You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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