we have pet lesbian snakes
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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