I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
