Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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