I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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