Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
