obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
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Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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