Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
