I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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