Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We need to get me chipped asap
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
