Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
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I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
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Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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