I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
