How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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