my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
