Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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