I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My life is pants optional.
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