I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
