my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
