note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
