Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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