she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
