I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
