her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
