Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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