I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Welp...herpes.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Randomize
