Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
