heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
