y did u give ur computer a hand job?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
