I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He shit in the fireplace
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
