did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
