I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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