Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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