I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
