I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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