I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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