I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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