I'm eating all of the evidence.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
