He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
