guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
bring money and cleavage
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
