you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
