if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
