So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
