Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
