You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
