I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
