I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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