the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
