so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
