Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
