OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
