I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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