my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
