Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
